There is one choice you can make that will change your life for the better. No one does anything TO you – YOU do it to yourself. It’s your choice to give emotional meaning and significance to another person’s actions, and it’s your choice to decided how you want to respond.
After my divorce, I felt I was the victim and in many ways I was, however, the problem was that I continued to be the victim for years after my divorce and it made me a very angry and sad person. Ask any of my friends, I was not nice! I felt so used, violated and cheated not to mention that I got the bad end of the divorce, left with nothing and cheated out of my alimony and child support. It took me many years to realize that I was never going to be happy unless I took ownership of my feelings and what happened.
The ability to choose a better emotional state for yourself is called “Emotional Ownership.” And when you achieve ownership, you will also be able to help others in their emotional state.
There is something that a lot of martial arts disciplines promote – you can use strength, force, and energy exerted by the other person to your own benefit. When men and women argue or have other intense emotional interactions, what often happens is that the man will automatically oppose the woman’s stance. And women often do the same with men.
The better strategy is to go WITH the person, especially if there is some big issue at stake. But the key here is that you have to be in a mental and emotional place where you are comfortable doing this – you have to have emotional ownership for what you are saying, feeling and doing.
Here are some ideas:
* Agree with the argument – A man becomes attached to his negative feelings when he’s irritated, upset, or having a tough time with something. So he closes off his mind to other ways of seeing things. You can’t talk him out of them and when you try, you are telling him that his feelings are wrong. This only makes him close off more. So agree with him. When you don’t defend yourself, the man will start opening up and do it for you.
* Don’t whine, pressure or complain – Find a way to be personally happy with the way things are and let the man be right with anything that he says is wrong. It’s not that he IS right; it’s that you can re-frame what he does with it.
* Be a little bit less available with your time and emotions – If a man is being difficult emotionally or won’t own up to his end of an issue, give him the gift of missing you.
All these ideas use the martial arts technique of taking the energy that’s coming at you and deflecting it from affecting you. And if things are especially difficult, just have short and simple interactions. Be happy and talk about things other than the issue that’s looming.
Thanks to Sifu Maurice for teaching me some great lessons. If your interested in martial arts, here is a link to find out more information: http://www.typhoonma.com/, he teaches traditional martial arts, not the new fun and games nonsense that most teach.
Tomorrow’s article will be “Actions speak louder than words, so what are you saying?”
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Till next time,